why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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