I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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