i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
