Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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