Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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