We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
