I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
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I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
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Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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