Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
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He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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