My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
