Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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