Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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