I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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