Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
