Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
