even my farts smell like vagina
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
