apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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