Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It's official drugs can't kill me
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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