When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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