Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
