i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
