Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
