the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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