there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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