Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i think i just lost a toe
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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