So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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