After last night, I could never be a politician.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
