I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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