nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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