Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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