dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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