her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
