Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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