What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
