Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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