There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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