my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
we're so committed to being not committed
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