If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
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