I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
