YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
