If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
