3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
