I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think I sprained my soul last night
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
