just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
