haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
