A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
