her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
