who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
