I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
