They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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