I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
