just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just had sex on a roof
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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