so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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