Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
